Whole Foods Must Die

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There is only one store that is more annoying and enraging than Wal-Mart. Whole Foods. Walmart may be evil in several ways, with making employees work off the clock and the utter rape of the economy of every city or town they invade, not to mention their shitty, sweatshop produced products. However, I’d rather shop at Walmart the rest of my life than ever have to shop in a Whole Foods.

In a Walmart, you’ll find the dregs of humanity. The poor, smelly, stupid and loud. Whole Foods will surround you with the worst of the affluent side of society. You walk in and there’s some guy with facial and neck tattoos, a bottle cap jammed into his earlobe, and glasses far too thick for reasonable people and some kind of new mustache he invented and the only reason you know he’s an employee is because of that silly apron he has to wear. You always see him trying to push wheatgrass juice on people and talking about homeopathic medicine as if it were actually effective.

He’s probably talking to some woman with a ponytail, a visor, and some combination of leotard, yoga pants and a wetsuit who is jogging in place and talking loudly about the ingredients in everything which is something that doesn’t happen in other stores. Whole Foods people are constantly trying to show how much bullshit their brain has absorbed about the ability of various ingredients to magically cure cancer. They’ll point to all kinds of scientific studies that supposedly support that claim, but in the next breath you’ll hear them ignoring all the studies proving that vaccines don’t cause autism. They’re like the fucking creationists of the left.

Then there’s the deli, which is what it looks like when the Starbucks model of business is injected into everything else. You can’t just order a fucking turkey sandwich. You have to specify if you actually mean turkey, or if it’s some vile product pretending to be turkey. You also can’t just have cheese, because there’s some fake version of that. I’m surprised they haven’t yet fucked with the lettuce.

What’s really funny about Whole Foods, though, is that all the people acting as if they’re making the smartest choices are paying twice as much money for repackaged shit they can get for much less down the street. That lettuce isn’t any more nutritious, but they’ll pay five bucks a head for it. Isn’t that intelligent? Then again, the same people believe that wheatgrass cures cancer and that homeopathic medicine works. If I had less scruples I’d sell them my own shit in a tincture and claim that it’ll enhance their sexual abilities.

© 2015 William Suphan

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