How to Suck at Life

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I understand that not everyone appreciates a positive message or wants to be happy, so here’s an alternate plan:

 

When people offer ideas to improve your life, the lives of others and find more happiness, ignore the message and pick apart the details.

 

When people offer advice to fix your problems, come up with “reasons” why you can’t do whatever they said. Find a reason why it won’t work. Make excuses, procrastinate, bitch, and seek pity.

 

Make no effort to research solutions to your problems. Instead, bitch to whoever will listen. Hell, bitch to those who won’t, after all your life sucks and everyone should know, right?

 

Whenever you hang out with friends, make sure conversations are focused on your problems. Make snarky comments a lot and when anything positive is said, roll your eyes and say “Pfft, yeah right”. Always find a negative aspect to whatever anyone says.

 

Complain and whine incessantly. When the line is too long at the market, when your order at the restaurant isn’t perfect, when things don’t go as you expect or are in any way even slightly inconvenient, make a fuss and bitch about the situation. For added measure, stamp your feet and pout. If anyone tries to reason with you, just be irrational and blame everything on them.

 

Take no personal responsibility for anything. Nothing is your fault and probably not your responsibility, either. You are a victim, and it’s not your fault that things just don’t work out for you.

 

When political issues arise, don’t try to think of solutions. Rather, blame everything on whatever party you don’t belong to. Your party is always right and theirs is always wrong. Never admit any wrongdoing from anyone who agrees with you and never admit anything good about whoever disagrees.

 

Go to various social sites and find things wrong with what people post. Try to make them feel inferior and stupid. Ignore any good points they make and if you have nothing factual to go on, pick apart their grammar or just insult them somehow. Ridicule anyone you disagree with even slightly. Dehumanize them and pat yourself on the back for being so clever.

 

Never admit you’re wrong about anything. After all, you’d rather be “right” than factual, right? As long as it looks like you’re “winning” you’re doing the right thing.

 

If you have nothing to bitch about, find something. Invent something if you must.

 

Under no circumstances should you ever lift a finger to help anyone else or even yourself. It’s all about you.

© 2015 William Suphan

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